Lingerie, desire and learning to love yourself

The subject of sexuality when you don’t fit society’s definition of desirable can often be tricky to navigate. Here, we’re in conversation with Lindsay McGlone on feeling confident in your body despite your beliefs about it…

Featuring art by Stine Greve.

Having the confidence to feel sexy is an issue for many women. Whether the feeling comes and goes, or stops you from engaging with sex altogether, every individual reading this can identify with considering themselves unsexy.

In a global study by YouGov, published in late 2015, it was found that over a third of Britons were entirely unhappy with their body image and weight. Of all the female participants, over 44% reported the same, meaning almost half of the women living in the UK were unhappy with themselves. Since then, problems have continued to grow with Psychology Today finding in their most recent survey that 56% of women now say the same.

But the growing global consciousness around body confidence, and positivity, is encouraging a better relationship with our bodies – and a deeper connection to our sexuality as women, in turn.

Lindsay McGlone, stage manager, plus-size lingerie blogger and proud feminist, weighs in on the issue. She finds the reason we, as women, struggle so much with feeling confident in our skin, and our sexuality, is down to the world around us.

“Women feel that exposing their bodies in a certain way makes them vulnerable to more criticism”, she says. In addition, “women are very aware of the negative contentions of 'exposing' themselves, so they feel it’s bad to celebrate their bodies because it’s very much engrained into society that its wrong.”
From an early age, we’re expected to value being attractive above all else. We must be desirable, yet unaware of our allure all at the same time – least we be, shockingly, somewhere confident in ourselves.

But there are ways to take back control of our sexuality, and over the narratives that surround it. “Let's not lie and pretend we don't want to be desired”, says McGlone, capturing the very essence of what it is to feel attractive, “but the idea of being desired is to be wanted by someone else, and we should start by feeling good for ourselves.”

When you remove the idea of being desired by others from the conversation, it opens up entirely new realms of discourse. Now, there’s room to consider what truly makes you feel confident, beautiful and sexual, all for yourself.

McGlone’s own experience with doing so has been a liberating one. “When I was younger I needed society to want me. I wanted to be desired, but I never really let myself identify what it was I wanted. Now I do it all for me, it's what I want that's important, and I no longer seek sexual approval. I know I can feel sexy on my own.”

Getting there isn’t always easy. As with all things body image related, we tend to fluctuate in our feelings. Instead, we’ll focus on how to get there over time.

One way to feel more comfortable with our bodies, and the idea of ourselves as sexual beings, is through simple experimentation. “I do feel that toys and lingerie increases a women's confidence because we can control them”, shares the lingerie enthusiast. By allowing ourselves the freedom to wear what we want, feel what we want and express our sexuality we give ourselves the power to explore the body in new ways.

And to truly feel our best? We must start to look beyond society’s stereotypical sexual norms.

“Growing up I don't think I ever saw a fat person being considered sexy”, says McGlone. “I didn't see me in the media. The fat girl was always the joke, the funny one. Sure, they could have relationships on TV but you would never see that fat girl having some good, raunchy sex”, and it’s this lack of representation that deserves recognising. To see yourself in new ways, you must start thinking outside the box, and outside everything the media teaches us about fat, minority ethnic, disabled or otherwise marginalised bodies.

“Try and find out what it is that makes youfeel sexy, not what you think should make you feel that way. You never have to follow society's norms and be conventional.”

Loving yourself should never be shameful, so leave shame at your bedroom door.